Therapy for Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: A Guide for Healing
Narcissistic mothers can present in various ways, since narcissism itself runs on a spectrum. The mothers I’ve learned about tend to exhibit behaviors such as being hyper rigid, controlling, prone to feelings of jealousy, presenting as a chronic victim or martyr, highly judgmental, and using their daughters as scapegoats. The wound that a narcissistic mother leaves behind is nothing short of catastrophic, leading her daughter to believe she is unworthy of what she desires, unimportant of receiving any recognition for who she is, and not good enough to claim her right for a value-driven life.
The Common Complaint
Amongst the women I serve, a common complaint I hear is “why does this still affect me?” as most of them are functional adults living their own lives. There’s a kind of friction between who they are and what they experienced with their mothers, and while they logically know that they no longer need their mother’s approval, another part of them is still looking for it. But deeper than that is the way in which the mother-daughter relationship shapes the daughter’s sense of self. When you are repeatedly told, either overtly or implicitly, that you are not important and that your role is to serve your mother’s needs, that doesn’t just evaporate in your mind. It becomes an imprint serving as the basis for how you relate to your own feelings, needs, and desires.
Most adult daughters grew up believing that there was something wrong with them—a hidden “badness” that lurked inside of themselves, waiting to come out. So they worked extremely hard to keep that “badness” at bay by becoming pleasing to everyone around them, functionally acting as “the good girl,” that society rewards for how “nice” she is. This niceness, while not inherently wrong, has become her persona, the image she is supposed to uphold lest she be what her mother has always told her: Bad, unworthy, unimportant. When your entire identity is shaped by who you’re not supposed to be, you will learn to don a persona that reveals only what you believe is desired by others. The adult daughter of a narcissistic mother has learned to be for others, not for herself.
Healing Starts with Recognition and ends with Reclamation
Much like any healing journey, we have to start by recognizing what it is we’re dealing with. A narcissistic mother is a tricky relationship to contend with because to the outside world, mother is sacred, but to the adult daughter’s inner world, mother is anything but. Mother has become synonymous with antagonist, even though there’s a part within the adult daughter that longs to be embraced by her mother, held and witnessed for who she truly is. The problem is that most everyone who is on the outside assumes that your mother is “just doing her best,” and you might even hear things like, “But she’s your mother,” when you express a desire to firm up your boundaries or go low-contact. These types of comments do nothing but reinforce your already fragile belief system about yourself, making you believe you’re overreacting or being “dramatic” as you consider what you need.
This couldn’t be further from the truth. What you need to know is that the outside world has nothing to do with you—they are always going to have their opinions and perspectives, but that should not trump your lived experiences, feelings, and knowings about what you need to support yourself. A narcissistic mother will present to others like the victim, like she just cannot understand why her daughter “mistreats her,” and will rally the public to take her side. In the infamous words of Mel Robins, let them. The path to healing does not come from adhering to what others think about you or your mother. It comes from adhering to what you know to be true, to trusting your instincts, and to prioritizing your wellbeing.
Reclamation is the art of taking back what was taken from you. In this case, what was taken from you includes:
Your freedom to feel your emotions and use them as information
Your ability to express yourself authentically
Your creative impulses and desires
Your birthright to pursue your goals
Your capacity to assert yourself, your needs, and to express your “no”
Your joy, exuberance, and celebratory nature
Your right to set limits in your relationships, to express what you need, and to share your dreams
In therapy, we take all of that back. We help you attune to your internal emotional states in a non-shaming way, inviting you to explore the richness that lives inside of you, while learning to give caring attention to your somatic experience so that you can learn to regulate your nervous system and mine for your innate resources that live within your body. Everything you were taught about what you’re allowed to have, want, or need, gets shredded so that you can make room for your authentic self. The path is not always linear, but it’s focused always on you and giving you the space and freedom to get to know yourself again, without your mother’s input.
What Therapy Looks Like
When I work with adult daughters of narcissistic mothers, I start by facilitating a space in which you are met with sincere care, interest, and support. The work isn’t about coddling you, it’s about giving you actual room to breathe, to know what you feel, what you care about, what you want your heartfelt goals to look like in reality. Most adult daughters have learned to feel shame about who she is, so I practice a type of therapy called Dynamic Emotion Focused Therapy, which is shame-sensitive, and supports you in building a greater connection to yourself by allowing you to feel your emotions, dethrone the inner critic so it stops putting your feelings and creative impulses in a cage, and working through the beliefs that stop you from being your truest self.
I love to blend Dynamic Emotion Focused Therapy with Somatic Experiencing, a type of therapeutic modality that supports nervous system regulation through mindful awareness of body based sensations, feelings, and memories. The blending of these two approaches allows adult daughters to experience a profound shift in how they view themselves, what desires they allow themselves to follow, and the way in which the show up in their relationships. Most adult daughters have learned to silence themselves to the detriment of their own growth. That stops here. We help you speak your truth and claim your birthright to build a life that delights and supports you.
If this work speaks to you, you are welcome to reach out as I offer a free 20-minute consultation call. There’s no pressure in these calls, just a space to explore what you’re needing and if this work feels like the right fit for you. Regardless, you will be championed and supported to follow your heart and listen to your intuition.