Complex trauma isn’t just a single event, it’s a series of painful experiences, often rooted in chronic exposure to emotional, physical, or psychological harm. Living with complex trauma can feel like carrying an invisible burden that weighs down every part of your life.

A lot of folks with complex trauma believe that their trauma “wasn’t that big of a deal” because they had their basic needs met like food, clothing, and shelter. Yet, trauma is trauma no matter how it presents. As I mentioned, complex trauma manifests as a series of experiences in which your sense of safety (both physical, emotional, and mental), emotional needs, and connection with others was compromised, and you developed survival strategies to cope with the impact. These survival strategies may have been necessary at one time, but they often come at a cost when used for years.

The Cost of Survival Strategies

Survival strategies can be anything that takes you away from the source of threat and into a perceived sense of safety, but they often stop serving you once the threat is gone. These patterns, learned in childhood, stay with us into adulthood, even though the danger has passed.

For example, you might have developed:

• People-pleasing, which makes it difficult to set boundaries or express your true needs.

• Perfectionism, which can lead to burnout and a constant sense of not being “enough.”

• Shutting down, which can leave you feeling numb or disconnected from your emotions.

• Hypervigilance, which makes it hard to relax, trust, or feel safe in your body.

Understanding that these patterns were born out of necessity, and no longer serve you, is the first step in loosening their grip. They are not “bad” parts; they simply don’t know that the environment is no longer threatening.

Building a New Foundation

Healing from complex trauma involves creating new ways of being and relating to yourself. The goal is to create safety, connection, and authenticity with yourself and with others. Here are some initial steps to begin that process:

1. Start with Awareness

Begin to notice your patterns. When do you shut down? When do you feel the need to control or please others? Awareness is a gentle practice, not a judgment. By observing without criticism, you become more aware of your patterns, which creates space for change.

2. Practice Self-Compassion

The voice of trauma can often be harsh and critical. Learning to respond with kindness to yourself and your experiences helps soften that inner voice. You might start by simply acknowledging: “I did the best I could to survive. Now, I’m learning to thrive.” Or you might simply recognize when the inner critic starts to speak and redirect your focus to the part of you that can be compassionate, empathetic, and attuned to your experiences.

3. Reconnect with Your Body

Trauma lives in the body. Practices like yoga, breathwork, or gentle movement can help you begin to feel safe in your body again. Even placing a hand on your heart or belly and taking a deep breath can be a grounding ritual. Sometimes I like to place a message in my hand such as “You are safe right here, right now” and gently rest it on my chest where I imagine the message settling into my body.

4. Express Your Needs

Learning to ask for what you need can feel risky, especially if your needs were ignored or dismissed in the past. Start small, maybe by stating a preference or setting small boundaries with people you trust (this can look like letting them know what time you have to leave, for instance). Over time, this type of practice will help you build confidence and reinforce that you are capable of asserting your needs.

5. Seek Safe, Supportive Relationships

Healing often happens in connection. The nervous system is often soothed in the presence of loving and safe others. Surround yourself with people who listen, respect your boundaries, and offer validation. If you don’t have those relationships yet, therapy can provide a safe starting point.

Moving Forward: One Step at a Time

Healing from complex trauma takes time, but it does happen. Just like the mighty oak once began its life as a seedling, you too must start by taking small steps. Healing can feel overwhelming because you’re attempting to do the opposite of what you’ve been conditioned to do—make room for your feelings, express your needs, assert your boundaries, and make room for what you want for yourself. These small acts of strengthening your sense of self can challenge the part of you that was conditioned to keep those elements under wraps.

If you’re ready to explore the next steps in your healing journey, I invite you to reach out. Together, we can create a safe space for your healing and growth.

Disclaimer: This post is intended for informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional mental health care. If you or someone you know is experiencing symptoms of trauma, please seek support from a licensed therapist or mental health professional. Healing is a personal journey, and a trained professional can help guide you through it in a safe and supportive way.