The inner-critic is the voice inside of our heads that demands we “do better”, “stop being weird”, “work harder” and seems to think that if we reach this peak of perfection that then we’ll be safe and well in the world.

We all know of the inner critic, but not many of us truly understand why we have it or where it came from. It almost feels like it’s something we were born with by how prevalent it can be. The truth is that we aren’t born being critical of ourselves, we have to learn it. And who better to learn it from than our early attachment relationships?!

Criticism can be learned overtly or implicitly by what we deduce the other person is saying, thinking, or feeling. So for example, you could have learned to be critical of yourself by the way your mother always insulted your appearance. She might have been pretty blunt and overt about her disapproval of you, teaching you that this is something to expect in all other relationships. However, this does’t always have to be the case, which is where learning things implicitly comes into play.

Perhaps instead of a parent overtly criticizing you, they get quiet or withdrawn when you did something like express a need as a child and this created a moment of dissonance where you had to fill in the blanks to understand their behavior. Most children assume their parents are behaving a certain way because of them, and will often take complete ownership of their parents feelings, resulting in self-blame. If this was you, then you learned to fill in the gaps of what your parent’s did or didn’t do by making their reactions mean something about you.

And none of this was your fault. Our brains are wired to maintain attachment to our caregivers in childhood, and when our caregivers suggest that our behaviors, feelings, or needs are wrong, a burden, or inappropriate, we can internalize this where it becomes our own inner critic.

The inner critic isn’t really here to hurt us; it thinks we need its input in order to stay safe, because as a child this is what it felt like. “If mom or dad are upset with me for saying that I wanted to spend the night at my friends house instead of hanging out with them, it must be because I’m a bad person for even thinking such a thing! And if I’m a bad person, mom and dad won’t want me and I won’t be safe!” The mind of a child is very concrete, black or white, and very self-referential (it’s all about and because of me).

However, even though this part of us is trying to keep us safe (usually), it does so at a tremendous cost to ourselves. Think about it: What price do you pay every time this critic dominates your thoughts? The effects of the critic can be far reaching and may include:

• Exhaustion

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Perfectionism

• Rumination

• Obsessive thinking

• Heightened sense of threat

• Nervous system dysregulation

• Rapid heart rate

• Sinking gut feelings

• Mood changes

• Appetite changes

• Sleep challenges

The list could go on! We want to be able to recognize when the critic is present and see where we can connect to a different part of us that has more useful input and guidance. It’s not to say that the critic is bad (because there are no “bad” parts), it’s just overreaching and causing more harm than good. When you can step back and see the effect the critic has on you, you might notice some feelings of sadness or anger come up. Those are perfectly normal feelings to have! Usually if we’re feeling sadness or anger, there’s a degree of caring for ourselves because we don’t like witnessing ourselves in pain.

If you can feel for yourself when you notice the impact of the inner critic, then another part of you is available to tap into. This other part may be more like a caring force that wants to protect and nurture you, rather than tear you down. The goal when working with the inner critic is not to necessarily become zen-like or swing in the complete opposite direction by forcing positivity, the goal is to actually help us connect to an alternative that lives somewhere in the middle. And it’s about creating choice in how we respond to ourselves.

You have a choice: To take what the critic says at face value, or to connect with another part of you that can hold the situation with more care, nuance, and compassion. The choice is always there, it just might not yet feel as natural since the critic has been dominating for so long.

If you can speak kindly to others who are being down on themselves, you can do the same for yourself. It just takes practice, patience, and courage to try something new! And you know what? I believe wholeheartedly in you. You can do this.