Self-Compassion Isn’t About Being Nice

I recently took a training in Compassion Focused Therapy and what struck me was just how wrong I had been about what it meant to be compassionate.  For a long time, I operated under the assumption that self-compassion was about kindness or being nice to oneself, and while that’s a small part of it, it’s not the whole enchilada.

The way I understand compassion now is that it’s about being motivated to attend to the suffering of yourself or of others. Being nice would be like buying your friend a cup of coffee when they’re having a bad day, but being compassionate would be about sitting with your friend, hearing them out, and wanting to help them feel less alone, less alienated, and more connected.

When was the last time you were compassionate with yourself?

If the answer is a sheepish, “I don’t know”, then let that be a moment to actually extend some compassion toward yourself! Like most humans, our compassion system isn’t always on because we’re too busy fretting over the sense of threat we feel most days (this is very human) and that threat system will dominate all the other ones.

I remember during the training, one of the trainers brought up a funny example of how working to amend our thoughts to be kinder doesn’t always work if we’re not adding a compassionate or warm tone to the mix. Imagine if you were to tell yourself, “I know this is really hard, but I believe in you”, but you said it with a tone of mild annoyance or frustration. It wouldn’t work!

But if you said it in a tone that truly conveyed the compassion you’d have in your voice were you to say it to a loved one, then bingo! That’s the sweet spot.

 Step Outside of Yourself for a Moment

One trick I use when I’m struggling to connect to compassion for myself is to imagine I was looking at myself through the eyes of an incredibly wise, grounded, and expansive being (maybe it’s an angel, a monk, a grandmother, etc.) and this being was to be moved by the suffering I was going through. I imagine that they would remind me that I was still worthy, good enough, and that I wasn’t choosing any of the suffering I was currently experiencing.

When I picture this, I also like to add a little more emotional texture to it, so I give this being a lot of light, warmth, a soothing tone of voice, and wise looking eyes. This being is not trying to tell me to “get over it” or “you need to push through”, it simply says, “I’m sorry you’re hurting so much. I see that you feel the world is on your shoulders, but I’m here to remind you that it isn’t. You are not alone and I want you to know that you can get through this.”

I think for a lot of people (myself included), compassion sounds like it’s simply going to be an overly nice way of talking to the self, which doesn’t really sound all that convincing to do. Most folks hold understandable logic which says something like, “I’m in pain now! What good will being nice to myself do? It’s not going to solve the problem”. I totally get it, because I was there too.

But that belief is flawed.   

Here’s the deal: Yes, if you’re dealing with an external problem, you’ve likely got to employ external solutions, which are typically tangible steps to remedy the thing. If you’re dealing with an internal problem, you’ve got to employ an internal solution. Compassion is not just throwing nice words at yourself and hoping they’ll stick. Compassion is the motivation to want to attend to your suffering from a place of empathy, care, and soothing.

Consider a person who comes to your mind who you’d absolutely want to tell your struggles to. Maybe it’s a therapist, a family member, a friend, or a character from a movie. What is it about their compassionate presence and response that you like? Perhaps it makes you feel a little less alone, less burdened, more connected, and safe? Or you’re reminded that you’re not alone because they, too, have experienced this before?

Compassion is the balm that your emotional wound is craving. Take a moment and turn toward any part of your emotional experience that has been challenging lately. Imagine that compassionate person/character seeing it, responding to it, and soothing the hurt that it causes. What is it that they’re saying to you? What do they want you to know?

Keep coming back to this as a practice. None of us learn compassion once and then are masters at it. We must practice it daily, just like any other skill. So be, you guessed it, compassionate toward yourself as you learn this valuable skill. Don’t aim for perfection; aim for consistency.